She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
