If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
