wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Randomize
