ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
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