I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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