Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize