Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
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