There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Just puked most of my soul out..
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