My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
