u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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