so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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