I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
