i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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