Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
tell your sister to shave her snatch
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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