Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
