a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
