do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
