I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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