I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
