I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
