i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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