no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize