I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
