Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
