Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
