I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
