Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
