There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Text me some of your sweat
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
