So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
