My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
