Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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