My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
