The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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