My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
