there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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