im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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