Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
apparently the secret to your success is patron
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
