Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
