She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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