Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
