even my farts smell like vagina
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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