My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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