accomplished twins. life is a go
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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