You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
