i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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