Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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