Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize