her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
