I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
