i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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