I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
All the doctor said was why
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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