i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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