Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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