Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
