What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
