Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize