your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Randomize