My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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