i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Randomize
