when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
