I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize