So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
