I hate your face
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
